Nothing.
This is what I feel.
I lay in his arms
and I feel safe.
Secure.
Happy.
I look over the edge
of his bed.
My shirt, my boots.
On the floor.
I can feel his breath,
Warm on my bare shoulder.
His fingers dance over my back.
They play with the hem
of my blue jeans.
I don't care.
He can take it all off.
I'm happy
to be in his arms.
He's sexy.
Strong.
Sweet.
But when he kisses me,
Nothing.
You've ruined me.
I don't
Feel
Anything.
Heather,
ReplyDeleteFirstly, let me start out by saying that I know exactly how you feel - it's been the reality of most of my relationships for two years now. I love the breadth of emotion you portray in these short lines, from nostalgia to passion to admiration to numbness. And leaving the interpretation up to the reader is a strong part of poetry, so I appreciate the visualization of your new male interest without being too specific. It's like a coloring book - you provide the basic outline and leave the reader to fill in the rest.
However, the line length kind of took me out of the poetry. Only one word per line, while isolating each individual idea, sort of takes me out of the experience.
Also, once again I love the emotion, but I feel like this poem is full of telling and not showing. Instead of telling us how he makes you happy, or that he's sweet, it's just placed out there.
Overall, I do like this poem, but my suggestions are to vary some of the line length to improve the flow and show instead of tell.
- Luke M.